Finding my ceiling...

As I pursue a wholistic view of health and discipleship in preparation for our Personal Wellness Discipleship Training School I've been challenged a lot over the last four months to change my view of who I am and what I am capable of...my ceiling.

The ceiling effect is something I learned about when studying Fitness Theory and basically it means that our bodies are made with limits of what we are capable of in terms of cardiorespiratory fitness, muscular strength, muscular endurance, flexibility, and body composition.

With consistent and challenging training in all areas of physical fitness we can reach our ceiling or full potential.

This makes sense to me as we are not all capable or called to become elite athletes...but how many of us have truly understood where the ceiling actually is?  How many of us have settled for a false ceiling that keeps us functioning below our true capabilities?

During my childhood I formed my own idea of what my ceiling was and this believed ceiling has

Me and my brother when we were kids...
who would this little girl become?

followed me through my teen years and far into adulthood.  Not many people have challenged this belief (the worst offender being myself!) and so my believed ceiling shifted to fact in my mind with evidence to back it up. Here are a few of the false ceilings I built in my thinking:

1. Athletic skills should come naturally without any hard work or practice so I'm not athletic--I didn't make the track team tryouts, in gym class I was never picked first for teams, coaches never tried to convince me to sign up for sports....Now I can see how silly I was and how much learning I missed out on by not trying out for sports teams.  Very few people are born knowing how to throw a ball perfectly accurate, run their absolute fastest, jump high, or play sports without a lot of training, practice, and hard work.  Athletes train and practice and the body takes time to learn and adapt to new movements and activities.

2.  I can run, but not that fast--I never made the track team tryouts, I was chosen to play defence in soccer not another position which all the fast kids were chosen for, I was in the middle of the pack when we ran "the mile" in gym class...how fast is "that fast" anyway??  What was I thinking!?  Of course I couldn't run as fast as the other kids...I didn't practice running!  I didn't train my muscles!

3.  I'm not that strong--whenever heavy lifting was required others would jump in and take over for me, I was not asked to help move heavy things.  This one was challenged by default during my university years when I moved many times and I had no choice but to carry all the boxes because I had no one to help me.  I realized I could carry quite a bit after all.  I also saw other women moving with strength...but I still felt intimidated by the weights at the gym...

4.  My weight and size and shape have been pretty much the same since I was a teenager so this must be the "way I am" and what I need to learn to love--although my weight and clothing sizes changed a little bit over the years exercise and diet always brought me back to the same place where I wouldn't change much.  Once again my exercise and training were not super challenging--I wasn't really pushing myself so once I reached that weight/size I didn't bother to try harder.  This was me...or was it?

And then I was challenged by a friend who looked at me and saw that there was some heaviness I was carrying around that was more like excess baggage than my true self.  This person challenged me to look at my ceiling...

Was I pushing as hard as I could when I ran?  No.  You can run faster than that, you're just not trying.

Why did I expect myself to be perfect at something I hadn't done before and had never practiced?  It's going to be hard at first and you have to study it and do it over and over to get better.

Did I really want to be strong? If so I needed to challenge myself and lift weights at the gym...

Not just learning to lift weights,
but teach others to as well!

To find my true self I needed to be humble and ok with looking awkward as I lifted tiny little weights at the gym, to fight those voices inside my head and get up every morning to work out, to imagine that these limits I had created might not actually reflect my true identity and capabilities.

Three years ago I ran a half marathon and proved to myself I was capable of running farther than I ever had before.  This May I am running another one and trying to beat my time...I know my body can go faster than it did before.  I have to believe I can do it before I can push toward that goal...some days it feels more like a fairytale dream than a reality...and yet when I challenge the voices in my head I can lace up my shoes and run faster than I have before.

So today I am stronger than I have ever been before, I can run faster than I ever have before, I am wearing a smaller size than I wore at age 14...and I'm still not sure I can see the ceiling.  I'm not the person I thought I was...now I'm on a journey to discover the woman I am: the woman I was created to be.

I keep expecting things to get easier, but every day requires choices and effort--getting up in the morning is still a battle most days, weights still feel heavy, my muscles feel sore, I get tired...and yet when I remind myself of the surprises I have already discovered I am so excited to discover how "fearfully and wonderfully made" I truly am (see Psalm 139:14).

The Perfect Gift

There is something that feels so right when you find the right gift for someone...I don't quite know how to describe it without using cheesy phrases like "joy bubbles up inside" or "a sense of warmth flows through me" but it is deeply satisfying to me.  I love thinking about the things that those I care about are interested in and trying to find a simple way to give them something they will not only love, but be able to use or be blessed by as an expression of my love for them.  The look on someone's face when they receive that kind of gift...surprise, delight, gratitude...can be like a candle being lit in a dark room.

It's Christmas, and at this time of year gifts are at the front of many people's minds.  True gifts are not earned like wages for work.  They are willingly and freely given without the expectation of anything in return.

The perfect gift comes from a giver who knows the recipient so intimately that they not only know what the recipient says they want and need, but also what that person doesn't even realize is missing or could bring so much more to their life than they could ever imagine.  The giver sees the big picture and gives thought and care to all aspects of who the person truly is.

However, even the perfect gift doesn't bless the recipient unless they actually receive the gift...unless they take the present from under the tree and actually open it up.  Whether they open the gift or not, it will always belong to them.  Ownership is never in question, but it must be received to be appreciated.  Not only that, but it must be used to really bless the receiver.

How many of us have received wonderful gifts at Christmas, only to leave them sitting on a shelf after one or two uses? Sometimes the gift doesn't even make it out of the box to be used once...It may be incredibly beneficial to me, but unless I use it to it's full potential it will never change anything in my daily life.

For example: if I was in desperate need of a shower--the feeling after a long day exploring the hot

dusty streets in India or Cambodia with some kind of bus, rickshaw or tuk tuk ride comes to mind...and someone gave me some wonderful smelling soap as a gift.  In that moment soap is exactly what is needed and is a huge blessing to me...even just smelling the fresh fruity fragrance might make me feel cleaner! Yet, unless that soap is actually used to wash, it will not actually make me clean and won't bring the full intended refreshment.

On the very first Christmas God gave us the most perfect gift of all--His son, so that we can move past the dusty, sweaty, sinful versions of ourselves to be "sweet and clean" enough to be in His glorious and most holy presence.  Jesus' life and death provided the "soap" we need to be washed clean of all our mistakes, bad attitudes, hurts, poor decisions, selfishness, and pride.

But unless we are willing to walk out that salvation, it is just another unused gift sitting on a shelf collecting dust.  Although we are not saved by works, the changes we make in our lives because of this unmerited gift of grace and mercy are the way we take full advantage of this precious gift.  We haven't worked to earn the gift, yet it requires effort to learn about it and use it to it's full potential in our lives.

We must continue to use God's gift of grace and forgiveness in the process of sanctification...changing our thinking, our habits, our actions, forgiving ourselves and others for mistakes and offenses...washing off the messiness of life itself continually.  Luckily God's gift is a bit different than a bar of soap however, as it will never get used up.  We have continual access to his grace, mercy and forgiveness.  The gift is freely given for us to use as often as we would like.

So as I celebrate this perfect gift with my family and honor God's character of generosity as we share gifts with one another, I pray that I will be reminded all through the year to use this gift I have received.  

Merry Christmas!

The Yoke

Can you find freedom in commitment?

In a culture where freedom is valued so highly there is resistance to the idea of being tied down.  I know I have felt this resistance in my own life.  Having every minute of my day scheduled with obligations is stressful to me.  Committing to serve in one place for more than a season brings a weight of responsibility.  I want to be free to travel, to leave in five minutes if someone calls at the last minute to invite me somewhere, to believe what I think is right…I don't want to be joined to a place or a person who I will have to consider and consult in every move I make.  I don't want someone else dictating my choices.

And yet as many of you who have spent time with me know, I fight to set appointments.  To change that vague "we should catch up soon" to a time, date, and place.  Because I have lived a life where the time gets filled up with busy-ness and the important things that patiently wait get put to the side. Commitment seems to be necessary to reach the fullness and wholeness I desire in my life.

And so the paradox of God's kingdom comes into play: the way to freedom is through submission.

At the base right now we are going through a season of staff development.  What does that mean?

Freedom through submission with the yoke.

It means that our core staff group is spending time digging into our own personal growth and also growth together as a body.  We have had a number of different guest speakers come and share with us over the past month and it was one of these speakers who got me thinking about the topic of freedom through submission, the concept of "the yoke."

Many Christians are familiar with the passage in Matthew 11:28-30 which talks about the yoke:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." 

In times of struggle and stress certain words have stood out to me to bring a sense of comfort: rest, gentle, easy, light burdens…yet I have let the concept of the yoke itself remain unexplored and vague.  Though this may have brought some comfort in the short term, I think it has been to my detriment in the long term. I want the freedom to take this help to carry burdens when times are tough, but then I often leave the restraints of the yoke when my way seems to be working. More and more I am realizing that submitting to the direction of the yoke might be a good idea all the time.  It would probably keep the burdens from becoming so overwhelming not to mention the encouragement that would come from knowing someone is beside you no matter what.

And so with a nudge from this speaker I have been pondering the idea of the yoke.  Does submissive obedience lead to freedom?

With direction (like a yoke) I can serve in so many ways
that I don't have the knowledge or experience to do
on my own.

The yoke Jesus refers to in this passage would have been heavy and made of wood.  It would have joined two oxen together so that a farmer could direct the oxen's strength to perform tasks.  We are not so useful for service in the kingdom until we have surrendered to the yoke.

Although heavy on it's own, a carefully crafted yoke would not be burdensome to an ox who did not fight against it to go in a direction different from the other ox or the direction of the farmer.  I think I am in the stages of getting used to the yoke.  Most days I've graduated from the "stiff-necked" ox stage where the yoke cannot even be placed on my neck because I refuse to humble myself and ask for direction.  Often now my struggle is to trust the gentleness of the yoke.  To know that although that patch of grass to my left or right looks delicious, my eyes need to stay focused on the field ahead that needs to be worked.  That my attempts to direct life actually make things more complicated and painful than they would otherwise be.  I need to learn to communicate with the partner I am yoked to and to understand the directions of the one holding the reins.

Although my understanding of the passage in Matthew refers to being yoked to Jesus, there was another scripture that came to mind as I thought more about being yoked.  As being yoked is a form of commitment, my mind also turned to one of the biggest commitments that most people make in their lives: marriage.  There is an illustration in Paul's letter to the Ephesian church that I have been chewing on for about a year which I understood in a different light with the picture of the yoke.

In Epheisans 5:23 Paul writes:

"For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior."

Does the commitment of marriage or other
important relationships have the impact of the yoke?

What if you imagine instead of the husband being the "boss" of the wife, the picture of the husband being joined by a yoke to the wife.  They share the load of decisions, responsibilities, emotional baggage, and their service with the yoke.  It can be a gentle yoke and an easier burden if they learn to communicate and walk together, perhaps with the husband taking some responsibility of being under Christ's leadership.  Perhaps Christ is the one with the reins? I'm just thinking "out loud" here…or now that I think about it more, I imagine Christ actually under the yoke with the couple.  He is sharing that load, encouraging them to keep moving forward, reminding them to keep their eyes focussed on each other and their rhythm in sync with him and each other…

Although I may not be yoked to a husband at this point, I have made a commitment to be yoked to this YWAM base, to the DTS ministry, to this staff team.  Sometimes the yoke makes life simpler and sometimes it is a challenge against my independence.  However, the more I get comfortable with my yoke the more I am free to grow and serve.

After a tough day where my own thoughts took the reins, I am ready once again to bow my head and go back to the yoke.  Praying that "the more I practice, the better I get" to quote one of my mentors from my teaching practicum.

Closing the gap...

I opened a can of worms.  

I have been learning about who I really am and what I am capable of.  

This knowledge leaves me with a big responsibility.  I can see the gap between where I'm at and where I could be.  Where I want to be.  

I have the map, I may not know all the specific turns and twists in the road, but I have a pretty good idea how to get where I want to go…I have to take one step at a time and that takes discipline.  Sadly my mind is much better at whining and making excuses than being disciplined.  But I'm sick of excuses.  I want to move.  I want to change.

Now is the time to dig in and really let my actions, words and thoughts be decided by what I value instead of what is convenient.  

If I believe that exercise is important for the health of my body, mind, and spirit then I need to make time to exercise daily and to push myself to do things that are difficult.  If I believe that spiritual health is the cornerstone for a healthy foundation in life, then I need to build space in my day for spiritual disciplines such as prayer, bible study, and quietness.  If I truly don't want to feel the effects on my body of eating unhealthy food then I need to say no to treats more often.

Vision, goals, and discipline go hand in hand to all those small choices I make each day which dictate the direction my steps will take.  Will my steps begin to close the gap between who I am now and who I know I am capable of being?

I know it's not an easy process.  There's a reason why that gap is there…there are mountains of faith to climb, emotional wounds to be opened up and healed from the inside out, muscles that need to feel pain in order to grow… 

As I looked to the Bible for insight about discipline I found this verse in the book of Hebrews:

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. ~Hebrews 12:11

Enough self-pep-talk.  It's time to close the gap.  It's time to start training.

A Season of Change

Change isn't change unless there is change

Sunny day on the Baltic Sea in Helsinki

It has been a week since I returned from Finland.  I am reminded of a saying found on T-shirts all over the place when I travelled in Southeast Asia…same same, but different.

Many things are the same as they were when I left, both within myself and also here at the base.  But then there are things that are very different.

The base is currently hosting the Organic Agri-Nutritional Training School--a six month secondary school which focuses on training trainers in organic agriculture, healthy lifestyle, and natural medicine.  The presence of this unique learning community is inspiring change at the base and it's very exciting.  In the past week I have enjoyed spending time with the students and staff, eating different kinds of foods, and sitting in on some of the lectures.  This week as we learned about alternative treatments to pharmaceutical drugs I was brought back in time to my invertebrate zoology course when I learned the cycle of malaria transmission.  The biologist within me is curious

Hiking with some of the OATS and base staff/students.

about the specific interactions between chemicals to prevent transmission or treat the disease.  Fascinating stuff!

During my last three weeks in Finland I spent a lot of time being counselled and counselling others.  I was also blessed with a week of holiday in Helsinki with some new friends I met in the course.  This time of rest and counsel allowed me to take another step in my process of growing and changing.  My eyes were opened to some wrong beliefs and strategies I had been using to cope with life.  For example, the way I speak to others when I feel insecure is not respectful and distances me from actually listening.  I have learned just how much I cling to others' affirmations through words and actions to find a sense of value.  The light has shined on my belief that if I make myself plastic perfect then I won't have to deal with pain anymore.  These

Studying during the counselling course.

revelations have brought a desire to repent (change my thinking) and walk in a different way.  This is the key.  As one of our speakers in Finland shared: change isn't change unless there is change.

In 1 Kings 8:46-51 King Solomon prayed a prayer over the temple he built which reminds me of my desire to see real change in my life as a result of these revelations.  He talks about the inevitability of sin, which I have come to understand as unhealthy choices in my lifestyle or relational patterns.  Solomon doesn't stop there though, he goes on to suggest that a change of heart and repentance are a possibility as well.  He pleads for the Lord to forgive his people who are the inheritance he brought out of Egypt.  God not only answers this prayer, but has a greater solution in the person of Jesus Christ.  It is so incredible to think that we have all been given the gift of inheritance (see 1 Kings 8:51) to be

Enjoying another sunny day in Helsinki.

coheirs with Christ (see Romans 8:17)

As I re-enter life in Canada I am trying to walk in a different way: mentally, spiritually, and physically.  Trusting in God's promises and forgiveness, making positive changes for my physical health, and becoming more aware of my relational strategies with others.  I will continue to serve as base staff here in Oliver as we prepare for the next Discipleship Training School which begins in September.  I will also be taking on a small part time position working with one of the local churches in the children's ministry program until the middle of September.

Dinner with new friends in Helsinki.

Praise Reports

• God's provision of food, lodging, and most importantly precious new friendships during my time in Finland especially during the last week
• Sunshine and warm temperatures, both here in Canada now that I have returned and also during my last week in Helsinki
• Safe travels
• Continued transformation of my mind, Romans 12:1-2

Prayer Requests

• Strength and perseverance to change
• Continued growth in unity as our YWAM community grows in size

  

  Exploring Talinn, Estonia.

• That God would be glorified through the fruit of His Spirit (patience, grace, compassion, love…) in this new job opportunity I have

Thanks again for your prayers and support.  Please check out my Facebook page for photos from my recent trip to Finland.

First Week in Finland

As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered.  You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about.  The Lord is full of compassion and mercy. ~James 5:11

Perseverance is a series of small victories in the battle with our doubts, pain, and fears within our minds. It requires courage that is bolstered by something which in my experience comes from outside myself.  In some cases a necessary crutch to my own injuries comes from other people.  Just as it is when you break a leg or twist your ankle, it is important to lean on others to help me move forward in a way I am unable to do alone.  In other cases, my necessary crutch has been a glimpse of a greater story outside the visible pieces of my life.  This can come from scripture, times of prayer and worship, teaching on the nature and character of God, and the sense of wonder I often experience at the intricacy of the natural world around us. In either case, when I have been able to persevere, I have experienced blessing that goes beyond the visible.  I grow closer to the best version of Julie which brings a peace to my soul, even when it doesn't make life easier in that moment. For that reason I am eternally grateful for the care and encouragement of friends and family ("Jesus with skin on" as one of our DTS teachers described them) and the perfect, unending and unescapable compassion of the Lord.

The fireplace in the dining room at the base.

As my first week of the Compassion of the Heart training has come to end I can see the evidence of perseverence in my life.  This past year has been a time of opening up my mind to understand what has been going on underneath my behaviours and attitudes, and also to see more clearly what I actually do and say are not always the same as what I imagine.  This revelation through words from friends and by letting myself express emotion was often unpleasant and entirely humbling.  The temptation to bottle everything up under a controlled lie of numbing "perfection" was strong, but the fruits of blessings I had already begun to experience in relationship with others and God was a crutch I could lean on to press on.

When I arrived in Finland last Friday, I had a gnawing sense of dread and an underlying feeling of anxiety.  Although I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was where I needed to be, not only to benefit future ministry, but for my own emotional and spritual health, I was scared.  As I sat on the flight from London to Helsinki, I could no longer "forget" that I was entering a new culture with a language I couldn't understand...I tried to hold back the anxiety I felt as the flight attendants asked questions that and made announcements that linked sounds together in a way that held no meaning to me.  However, I could clearly feel the compassion of God from the moment my plane landed.  An American YWAMer who has been living in Finland for the past 3 years not only met me at the airport with a heart-shaped sign with my name on it, but welcomed me to her home, fed me, explained some Finnish culture to me, and even walked me to my seat on the train to the YWAM base on Sunday.  As I stepped out of the car at YWAM Ruurikkala, I felt that peace of "home" that I have felt so many times: God's perfect love had driven out all fear (1 John 4:18).

The view of the lake from the base which is an old mansion that had been renovated to be a hotel before YWAM purchased it.

The week itself has required me to dig deep in that pool of perseverence yet again as I have met with counsellors and written assignments to begin unpacking hurts I have been holding onto for years, as I have needed to complete book reports and sit through 4 hours of teaching while navigating my jet lag, as I have missed my family, friends and the familiarity of simple things like showering, eating, and doing laundry.  But as I stood in front of the class of 20 students (mostly Finnish), and at least 10 instructors/counsellors (from Canada, India, and Finland) able to share a revelation about why I do what I do with shaking hands, wobbly voice, and teary eyes I caught a glimpse of that girl that God knows I can be...not perfect like a marble statue, but "perfect" like a scraped-knee, wide grinned, rosy cheeked child running to share a hand picked bouquet of wildflowers.

Thank you for your prayers, support, and words that have been a needed crutch to bring me to this place.  It is a beautiful time of dependence, growth, and openness.  On Tuesday we begin the two week practicum which will take us out of the classroom and into small groups of 5 students and 2 leaders.  Please continue to pray for rest and restoration, trust of those I will be working and living with, and that God's hand would continue to lift up the rest of the YWAM Global Gateway staff in Canada as they press into daily life and ministry in Oliver and other parts of the world.

Please feel free to email or send personal messages, although the days are busy, it's always good to hear from you and to know how to lift you up in prayer.

Blessings!

The classroom where we have had most of our teaching.

The dining room where I am sitting to write this post.

First Flower of Spring...

Spring has arrived here in Oliver.  I know this because there is a miniature daffodil blooming in the garden.  The bed this little flower is growing in is the one I wrote about last spring in my The Joys of Weeding post.

For the past two weeks I have been meaning to spend some time in this little plot of ground to prepare it for another year.  The things I planted last year are long gone and I wasn't really sure what to expect this spring.  However, with life getting in the way I only made my way to the garden this past week--and what a pleasant surprise was waiting for me!  Not only had the flowers I had been hoping would re-seed themselves actually do that, but there was very little grass to weed out!  Considering how difficult it was to distinguish the flower bed from the lawn last year, this discovery was very encouraging!  As well, the bulbs which had been happily dormant over the fall and winter months, are coming up very nicely, including this little daffodil, the first to bloom.

The work of weeding has not only been happening in this garden over this past year, but in my heart as well.  Seeing the garden filled with future blooms and beauty gave me hope for the season to come in my life.  All the thought patterns, attitudes, words, and actions God has been pruning in my life will allow something beautiful to emerge.

For those of you who pray for me so faithfully I am so grateful for your love and support.  This verse reminds me of you and I've written it the way I imagine your support:

[you pray for me being] confident of this, that he who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  Philippians 1:6

I can feel the good work being carried out, and who I really am is flowing more freely.

I attended a workshop for Discipleship Training School staff and leaders a few weeks ago.  During that

time one of the things we did was to encourage each other in prayer.  One of the words people got to describe me was "delicate."  Ever since I stepped out on my own I have been growing stronger.   Some of it is the "glorious inner strength" I have been given through God's spirit as I opened the door of my heart and invited God to help me through situations (see Ephesians 3:16 in The Message translation), however, some of my strength has come from independence, lack of trust, and shutting out a reliance on others.  This year those walls have been breaking down and I can feel a fragile, gentler side of me shining through.

Like the first spring daffodil, I am braving the cold…praying I can be used to be a blessing to others.